Obama Bursts Into Tears at Sight of Golf Course Destroyed by Tornado

Written by Nick Taxia on May 31, 2013

Lakeside’s head groundskeeper, Emily Heckenbach, met with Obama to discuss the course’s devastation.  “Whatever it takes, no matter how much it costs, this golf course will be back to its former self.  I promise you that!” Obama told Heckenbach.  “No golf course deserves this, not even the cheapest ones!”

Obama promised as much federal aid to restoring Lakeside as possible.  “I’m giving this top priority,” said the President.  “To have a golf course destroyed like this is beyond comprehension.  And to have it remain looking like this is unacceptable.  What about the surviving people who enjoyed playing here?  They deserve a future.  And what about the children who would have played golf here eventually? …Where there is no golf, there is no hope!”

The President added he was confident the owners of Lakeside would no doubt be thankful for his commitment to restoring their golf course, if they were not still missing.

Craig Fugate, the head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, has already been instructed to divert most of the agency’s recovery and cleanup efforts from helping the tornado’s victims and their property to rebuilding the Lakeside Golf Course.

“These people may not have homes and their lives may be destroyed, even lost, and we must help them rebuild their shattered community,” Obama told reporters, “but in the meantime these poor people need a place to play golf, and you better believe I’m going that to them.  I feel their pain, believe me.”

(The preceding is satire.)

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Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.