NSA Whistle-blower Now Curiously Recanting His Claims of Mass Spying

Written by Nick Taxia on June 25, 2013

snowden__main header{The following is satire.]

(From WIRES)
Tuesday, June 24th, 2013

Famous NSA leaker Edward Snowden suddenly recanting claims of massive domestic spying by U.S. government after some mild persuasion by intelligence officials
Snowden says he ‘made whole spy network’ up in new and intense interview
NSA Chief also says he lied about admitting to spying, asks if he can “have wife and daughters back”

(MOSCOW) — “AAAAAAAA! No, please! Aaaa! Aa…Aaaaaaaaaa…!”

Such are the humble words of “new” Edward Snowden Friday, recanting his claims of massive U.S. government spying on Americans’ electronic communications, after Russian officials, cooperating with the U.S., agreed to interrogate the now word-famous whistle-blower “just to set the record straight.”

Snowden, 29, became famous earlier this month when he disclosed to the international press that the U.S. government has been spying on virtually every citizen’s e-mails, on-line postings and phone calls via the National Security Agency (NSA), as part of its attempt to thwart terrorist attacks. From his original hideout in Hong Kong, Snowden, a former private contractor for the NSA, told to a British newspaper that he “could not live in a society” that possessed such an immense network capable of spying on any of its citizens the way he claimed. Snowden’s confessions ignited a roaring debate over the government’s role in tracking suspected terrorists versus its Constitutional responsibility to respect the privacy of citizens.

Until Sunday, Snowden had been in Hong Kong and remained strident in his admittance of his knowledge of how widely the federal government had been “collecting data” on Americans. But upon touching down in Moscow on Sunday, Russian authorities, cooperating with officials from the U.S. State Department and intelligence communities, released a video showing a “visibly shaken” Snowden not saying that he had “made the whole thing up,” and that there has never been a massive government program named “PRISM,” meant to scan every electronic communication made by Americans and foreigners in search of terror plots and “other illegal activities.”

Snowden appeared on Russian television Monday (1:40 PM, Moscow time) looking rather disheveled and shaken, and as one British reporter described “a bit peaked.”

Admitting to having fabricated the entire NSA PRISM program for his own twisted gratification, Snowden, with his right eyeball dangling on his cheek and only one tooth left in his head said, sobbed hysterically, “I…I…I swear! I made the whole thing up! I swear! No snooping has been going on since I was with the NSA or any other…AAAAAA..!!!!!” Snowden briefly paused as a resounding jolt of electricity was heard in the background and Snowden lurched in his seat in excruciating pain.

“Not good enough!” said a deep and distinctly American-accented voice off camera, followed by someone barking in Russian. “Let’s try this again, Mr. Snowden.”

“Okay! O…Okay…!” Snowden revised, heaving. “There has n…ever been a pro…program, before I was working for the NSA or ever … ever, right?…that spied on millions of Americans’ phone calls or internet chatter. I would never take part in such a program if it had…..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

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Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.