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In Syria, Urkel and Lurch Plan to Wage a ‘Cojones Campaign’

Remember when Joe Lockhart, a senior strategist in John Kerry’s presidential campaign, said the Democrats “can swagger and chew gum at the same time?” Well now it looks like those swaggering Democrat peaceniks plan to bomb Syria in an effort to prove their ability to multitask, and the gum they’ll be chewing is Nicorette.

That’s right – Barack Obama is hiking up his mom jeans, adjusting his bicycle helmet, and preparing to act all macho in order to get America to view him as something other than what he is: President Urkel. And to assist in the effort, Urkel is asking Secretary of State John ‘Lurch’ Kerry to assist him. In fact, the Syrian situation has become so dire that to address the crisis, Secretary of State John Kerry has actually been forced to put down his Heinz ketchup and cancel his windsurfing plans.

According to China and President Bashar al-Assad’s ally Russia, community organizing rebels are the ones who staged the attack to make it look like the government did it in hopes of provoking intervention. Urkel and Lurch emphatically disagree.

No one can be 100% sure who did it, so Kerry and Obama stand poised to do exactly what they wrongly accused G.W. Bush of doing with “every aspect of the Iraq war, to the detriment of other terror hot spots,” which was to “mislead, miscalculate and mismanage.” The difference this time around is that it’s Syria, and Lurch and Urkel may very well stoke the ire of both Russia and China.

Nonetheless, with Kerry by his side, 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack Obama is seriously contemplating a military strike against Syria. But, he did clarify that it would be of “limited scope and duration,” which should placate peace-loving liberals the world over.

Why do diehard Iraq war detractors seem so determined to bomb Syria? Well, apparently, Urkel and Lurch, the two guys who were unconvinced there were chemical weapons in a country where thousands of Kurds had been gassed to death in the streets of Northern Iraq, are suddenly completely convinced that the Syrian government used chemical weapons to kill 355 people in Damascus, wounding 3,600. And by the way, the number of dead has since climbed to anywhere between 500 and 1,000, many of whom were women and children.

With no clear verification of who is responsible for the atrocity, Kerry said the use of chemical weapons on the part of the Assad government in an attack against opposition strongholds is now “undeniable.” Kerry said that although it is important that evidence be gathered by United Nations specialists in Syria, it’s not essential because the truth is already “grounded in facts, informed by conscience and guided by common sense.”

Isn’t John Kerry the guy who, in 2003, said that Bush needed to “internationalize” the Iraqi war?

Either way, if President Bashar al-Assad is to blame, it’s hard to believe that pro-choice politicians of Kerry and Obama’s ilk won’t respect the Syrian president’s choice when it comes to disposing of a couple of thousand innocent people. After all, don’t they do that very thing here in America when they support and uphold the decision to dispose of 3,000 innocents a day? So to have these two administering punishment for exterminating human life, whether it’s here or abroad, is a tad hypocritical at best.

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Jeannie DeAngelis

Jeannie DeAngelis, born in Brooklyn, New York and raised on Long Island, is a wife, mother and grandmother to three grandsons. She has written for politically-themed articles for conservative websites like American Thinker and Breitbart, emphasizing current events as well as the full range of liberal hypocrisy in politics and Hollywood, and pro-life issues. Jeannie publishes a blog at

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