Help! I’m an Illegal Alien! I’ve Fallen and Can’t Get Up!

Written by Julie Prince on May 2, 2014

If you’re an illegal alien and you make it to America without getting caught, you’re livin’ high off the hog! You will have plenty of food because our generous government will give you welfare that helps you suck off of our corrupt entitlement system. You will have shelter because you will quickly learn what the words “section 8 housing” mean and how they apply to you and your ten family members also looking for a place to “pop a Squat”.

You will be able to work with a little code known as your Social Security number. This will ensure that you can get a job and receive those valuable benefits that legal Americans enjoy. You can apply for a driver’s license that will make sure that the van you are driving (with the 17 stowaways hiding in the back) is legit. Do you have Tuberculosis or chronic diarrhea? No problem señor, Obamacare’s got your back!

We all know how hard life can be for an illegal alien. The mass amount of discrimination that goes on can be daunting. Being called an “illegal Alien” must not be an easy word to hear, especially when it applies to your family members. Really, the better word choice is criminal–then you or a member of your family won’t be referred to as an extraterrestrial! That can be embarrassing when you are applying for free American aid to say the least!

Forget the names! Crossing the border can be a nightmare for the run of the mill fugitive. You have to endure suffocating temperatures with little or no water to cool you off. The threat of being bitten by a rattle snake is always apparent. The thought that you may be assaulted or even robbed of your stash by a Mexican drug lord or member of Al Qaeda just as you’re about to hop the fence is mortifying! Or maybe you are being pushed around and hassled by one of those pesky border patrol agents. Hey, they may be violating your “human rights” when they take away the rocks you planned to hurl at their heads! How dare they!

Well, fear no more dear criminal, for the United States government will save you! If you’ve fallen and can’t get up, just reach out and touch someone by using one of the ten rescue “beacons” that will be installed in the desert to make your journey more pleasant!

They are thirty feet tall with the blue light special at the top so you can easily see them from ten miles away. Press the red button and a distress call will be sent out like the Batman signal in the dark sky of Gotham City. A border agent will then come rushing to your aid! Why should you suffer needlessly with such un-pleasantries while “the man” holds you down.

No need to wait any longer than an hour! For your convenience, the sign on the beacon is in three languages: English, Spanish, and Chinese! If that doesn’t work, just sit and wait for a helicopter to pick you up and take you to safety. If you missed the demonstration the border patrol put on for illegal immigration sympathizers–that’s ok; you just sit and wait while the agent does all the work! Most likely, you will be welcomed by our elected officials into a bordering state with open arms. No need to worry about such things as amnesty; you’re already covered. American’s hard-earned dollars allocated just for you; because it’s not a matter of our law, it’s a matter of your human rights!

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Julie “Jules” Prince has been a Conservative activist, published writer and entrepreneur for over 20 years. She is the founder of, a Conservative news site and political organization that includes her blog the Raven Files. She is the host and producer of the edgy Conservative talk radio show “Warrior Nation” featured on Blogtalk radio Thursday’s from 7-9pm. Jules fights for the advancement of Conservative ideology and the principals of our Founding Fathers, with an undying love for America, what it was founded on and saving it from the destruction of the Progressive agenda.