Sandra Fluke: ‘‘I’d Rather Be a Captive Nigerian Girl than Touched by a Republican’’

Written by Nick Taxia on May 21, 2014

The following is satire.

(HERMOSA BEACH, CA) —Taking time out from her campaign to win California Senate seat 28 in June, Sandra Fluke, who so famously called for women to be provided free contraception before a House Congressional panel in 2012, addressed the crisis in Nigeria involving over 200 kidnapped girls by the Islamic extremist group Boko Haram, Tuesday. And once again, the outspoken Democrat poster girl has ignited controversy.

Speaking on NPR’s internet public radio station KCRW in Santa Monica, Fluke was asked her opinion on the situation in rural Nigeria, where Islamists are holding around 250 school girls hostage, threatening to sell them into sexual slavery (or worse) if the government does not release numerous political prisoners they want to see freed from jail. Addressing the matter of the radical group Boko Haram, which has killed, bombed and kidnapped people before and has the lowest opinion of women, Fluke told KCRW host Madeleine Brand on her afternoon show Press Play that the girls being held captive by the militants should “count themselves lucky” they weren’t being held captive by Republicans or working for Republican lawmakers.

“I must say that as dire and barbaric as these Boko militants in Nigeria seem, we have to remember that if these girls are released and come to America as political refugees, they could end up working for Republican lawmakers here in California or in Washington, or end up living in a Red state in the South, which would no doubt make them wish they were still in the clutches of militant al-Qaeda-linked rapist terrorists,” Fluke told Brand.

As unsurprisingly liberal as NPR and KCRW are in their politics, even host Madeleine Brand was taken aback by Fluke’s response, reiterating her question: “You mean that you would prefer that these girls be held in bondage and sold as sex slaves rather than live in a Republican state in the U.S., or work on a Republican politician’s staff?”

“Or worse, they could live in Utah!” quickly replied Fluke. “You know they have arranged marriages in Utah, and an only 10-child-per-family policy? Utah has the Great Salt Lake, too. Salt is bad for you, it makes your blood pressure rise and leads to heart disease. That’s very unhealthy. And who likes unhealthy people? –Republicans! …I think that the kidnapped girls in Nigeria would find themselves in even a worse situation here being around Republicans than they’re in right now.”

When asked by KCRW’s Brand if Fluke would consider herself luckier to be held captive by bloody, Islamic fundamentalist rapists than living among Republicans, Fluke said, “…I’ve heard the reports of rape and sex slavery by the (Boko Haram) group, but it still does not rise to the level of conservatives and Republicans here who want to make women have to pay for their birth control or abortions, no matter what stage of the pregnancy they’re in. And really, as far as sex and being the “subject of controlling men” is concerned, I’d rather be a captive Nigerian girl than touched by Republican. …At least the Muslim extremists are upfront about what they want to do, where as Republicans must lie about their despotic plans for the female race.”

KCRW’s Press Play host Madeleine Brand hastily wrapped up her interview with Fluke, swiftly turning off her microphone. “Uhh, umm, okay. That was state senate candidate Sandra Fluke, everyone,” Brand said dismally, moving on to her next topic of how local home owners can paint their mailboxes in earth tone colors while still coordinating them to reflect a rainbow alignment that would not offend any of their neighborhood who may be of the LGBT community.

Boko_Haram_leader_finalMeanwhile, in the remote outskirts of Nigeria, Boko Haram leader Abubakar Shekau is reportedly not at all welcoming of the news of what could be deemed as Sandra Fluke’s “endorsement” of him and Boko Haram over that of nearly half of Americans and the lawmakers they elect. One would naturally think that receiving even quasi-praise from one of America’s rising liberal female leaders and potential politicians would be music to a butchering Islamo-fascist’s ear. However Mr. Shekau has reacted to the news of Fluke’s comments much differently than many international onlookers would expect.

“I’m seriously thinking of releasing all these girls we have,” said Shekau to a group of AP reporters who were escorted to his hideout blindfolded. “Sandra Fluke endorsing me, compared to anyone? Are you (expletive) serious?!! What does this man with Susan Boyle’s hairstyle have against me, to choose me over her own people so? Sandra Fluke is repulsive! ….Any praise from her, even haphazardly, is cause enough to abandon my mission in the name of Allah.”

Shekau added that Sandra Fluke “unhinged comments” have led him to realize that he and Boko Haram have no hopes of terrorizing or horrifying America’s liberals so long as they are not predominately middle-aged and old white men in suits who want to cut taxes, reduce government regulations, spending, secure national borders, reduce deficits, and invoke policies that help maintain and promote the traditional nuclear family.

“I just can’t take it –being chosen by this leftist icon, Sandra Fluke, over half of the registered voters in her own country,” continued Shekau, on the verge of tears. “What have we kidnapped all these girls for in the first place if we still are not considered worse than Republicans in America? What the (expletive) else are we to do? …I think we made a mistake. We underestimated the completely upside-down perception of America’s ‘femunuts’ …am I saying that correctly? …I think it’s time to let these girls just go, go home, go back to school, so long as they swear they will never end up anything like Sandra Fluke. Dear Allah, forgive me!”

Added Shekau, “At least we’re waging a real war on women here, not the phony bullsh** ‘war on women’ Fluke and her colleagues claim Republicans are in America.”

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The preceding is satire.


Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.