Bergdahl Leak?: No One Told Me ‘War Could be Dangerous’

Written by Nick Taxia on June 12, 2014

The following is satire.

by Diana Jameson, new DP staff

(GERMANY) —It was only a matter of time: an apparent insider stationed where confirmed U.S. Army deserter and former Taliban captive Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl is being held under tight guard has been leaking to the press what Bergdahl is now telling military investigators. From an undisclosed U.S. base in Germany where Bergdahl is being held for questioning and debriefing, the anonymous source has leaked to the Associated Press that what Bergdahl is telling Pentagon investigators and military police is dropping the jaws of all those interrogating him.

“I joined the Army to serve my country, and they trained us to serve in Afghanistan,” Bergdahl told his interrogators, according to the anonymous source. “I knew I was heading into a war zone. But that’s the thing: No one ever told me going to war would be dangerous! Who knew going to war could lead to my getting hurt? Had I known that I would never have joined!”

Correct. The now famous Army Sergeant, which some reports claim had a history of psychological troubles and had taken unapproved leave previously to his last “nature walk” on the night of June 30, 2009, eventually becoming a prisoner of the Taliban, and is saying he was lied to by his instructors in infantry school at Fort Benning, and succeeding commanders in the Army that life in Afghanistan would be fun and relaxing, and that “he would be in no danger going into a war in arguably the world’s hardest terrain that harbors its arguably hardest people and terrorists,” according to the anonymous source.  

Also according to the unidentified source, “(Bergdahl) said he was beside himself when he realized (once in Afghanistan) that there were people there trying to harm him and his comrades.” Nearly all of Bergdahl’s fellow soldiers of his platoon, by the way, have almost all said that Bergdahl deliberately walked off his guard post on June 30th, making a B-line for Taliban-held territory behind nearby mountain. 

Afghans in a village between the American outpost Bergdahl abandoned and the mountain and Taliban stronghold behind it were stunned to see a disheveled, shuffling American (Bergdahl), now out of uniform, passing through their town. Villagers even warned the Army Sergeant not to keep walking the path he was on, as he would no doubt encounter heavily armed Taliban. They even offered what they describe as a “clearly bizarre-acting American” food and water, but Bergdahl refused it. Some bewildered villagers thought Bergdahl was on some sort of covert mission for the U.S. But Bergdahl dashed away their theories of being covert.

“I’m going off to make friends with the Taliban,” Bergdahl said, “they’ll give me all the food and water I need.”

“I told him not to be crazy,” said Sahar to reporters last Thursday.  Sahar is a member of the Yusef Khel village Bergdahl walked through and one of the people to try to stop Bergdahl from proceeding towards certain capture and torture, if not out-right execution.  “I tried tell him in the little English I know, ‘No, (the Taliban) won’t treat you well.  Dude, trust me on that!  They won’t want to be your friend! They’re not friendly people!’ ”

“It’s okay,” Bergdahl said in a glassy-eyed daze, “I’m just doing what President Obama knows is best –if I make friends with our enemies they’ll start liking us.  Then there won’t be any more wars or violence in the world. And besides, no one ever told me going to war would be dangerous anyway.  I feel betrayed.  I’m ashamed to be an American.  I’m just acting on the dreams of my Commander-in-Chief.”

Sahar said he then turned to his wife and they left Bergdahl alone as he walked out of their village.  “Come on, dear,” Sahar said he told his wife as they walked back to their small house, “this guy’s a @#!!**, crazy or not.  He must take after that ‘Commander Chief’ he mentioned.”

The preceding is satire.


Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.