OBAMA REASSURES DEMS: ‘Like Your Senate Majority? You Can Keep It!’

Written by Nick Taxia on November 4, 2014

The following is satire.

by Joel Legnutt, DP staff,
Monday, November 3, 2014,

(DANSVILLE, VA) —In a mid-term election season that has gone from looking shaky to grim for Democrats, particularly in the U.S. Senate, President Obama tried calm Democrats’ growing fears of losing all of Congress on November 4th Tuesday.

During a campaign stop for besieged North Carolina Senator Kay Hagan in Dansville, Virginia (Sen. Hagan has explicitly told the President not to campaign for her in her actual state since July, or even be seen with any of her staff or campaign memorabilia ), Obama reassured not only Hagan’s supporters, but sent a strong message aimed specifically at Senate Democrats across as they battle to hold on to their majority in the Senate.

Said Obama to the four attendees at his rally for Hagan, Saturday, as well as all his fellow Democrats throughout the nation, “Listen, I know many of you are scared. I know we’re in a difficult position in these days of scandal, and slow recovery and worry and fears of disease. But I urge my Democratic colleagues in the Senate to fear not! If you like your majority in the Senate, you can keep it!”

Continued the president that many Democrats, be they federal, state or local, have all but virtually denied he ever existed, let alone his being a U.S. president they once supported, “There are many problems we’re facing, and I know many of my policies have been hampered by a stubborn Republican House [of Representatives], Republican governors, resistance from other critics. …All the more why we have to work harder and get our people out to support the policies we pushed for when I became president and Democrats have been supporting ever since. Senator Hagan and we are going to hold the Senate, I promise you!”

“I like Obama and I voted for Kay Hagan in 2008, but I’m just not ‘feeling it’ this time,” said Katherine Stepp, a 40-year-old air traffic controller at a local airfield outside Greensboro, North Carolina. “I think that’s why I and the other three of us left the rally before Obama was done speaking.”

Added the single mother of two and Raleigh native, “…I feel bad, leaving the President back there to speak to an empty auditorium. Too bad he’s not even allowed in North Carolina because of the election. I just had some errands to run, and I if I leave early enough I can make dinner for the kids tonight for a change instead of ordering pizza.”

More unfortunately for President Obama, not only are Democrat voters and Senators alike not exactly comforted by his proclamation of “If you like your majority in the Senate, you can keep it!”, but at least two other Democrat Senator’s (Senator Mark Udall of Colorado and Jeanne Shaheen or New Hampshire) fighting for re-election, have formally asked President Obama not to campaign for them in their states, or even visit them for any reason, with Senator Shaheen actually having filed a restraining order in court to bar her unpopular Commander-in-Chief from entering her state last month.

“Senator Shaheen has nothing to fear,” said New Hampshire State Police Director Robert L. Quinn, Saturday, in a press release. “New Hampshire’s law enforcement personnel are dedicated to serving and protecting the public, and that includes our public officials …if Obama steps one foot into our state, we’ll lock his a*s up for sure, President or not!”

Said Senator Shaheen to reporters, Saturday, “I have deep respect for President Obama and appreciate his efforts for Democratic victories in the past. I have differences with some of his policies, which I’ve repeated to the people of New Hampshire.”

“They say our race here in New Hampshire [Shaheen is running against Republican and former Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown] is a coin-toss; it’s anybody’s guess,” added Sen. Shaheen. “This is why I cannot and don’t really put much happiness when Mr. Obama says ‘If I like my seat in the Senate I can keep it’. This reminds me of something [Obama] said to the nation before, and it’s not exactly a phrase to go ‘rah-rah-rah!’ about, you know? It doesn’t exactly engender trust and ease of mind when he says that to people these days. …I don’t think Mr. Obama has gotten the ‘memo’ about it. I doubt he ever will…the poor b*stard!”


UPDATE: Since news broke of Sen. Shaheen calling President Obama a “poor b*stard”, pollsters have reported her jumping an astonishing 15 percentage points in front of Republican challenger Scott Brown.

The preceding is satire.

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.