Dear Liberals: If We Replaced Our Statues With Mr. Potato Head Dolls, Would You Chill?

Written by Doug Giles on August 22, 2017

Since the violent AltLeft refuses to read and obey my best-selling book, Pussification: The Effeminization Of The American Male, I’ve decided to try another tactic to get them to calm the hell down on all the Confederate statue drama.

By the way, you do know they’re not going to content themselves with just toppling an homage to Bobby Lee, right?

Oh, hell no.

What would they be left to deface after they’ve exhausted destroying the likenesses of their Democratic forebears who enslaved and lynched black people? Would they be forced to get a job? Like … go back to real work? Ewww. Screw that.

No, they’ll move their violent, Soros funded, protests from Confederate statues to …
Colonel Sanders & KFC franchises (That’ll be quite the conundrum for some SJWs, eh?)
Aunt Jemima Syrup Company, Texas Middle Schools, High Schools And Colleges named after Indian killers.

And finally, to the radical feminists most loathed sculpture; I’m talking about the offensive and dreaded weight-scale at the doctor’s office.

Therefore, to alleviate all the bullshit we all must now wade through, thanks to the AltLeft terrorists who hate our History, our Constitution, Bill Of Rights and our Declaration of Independence, I propose the following: We remove all statues, in every locale, and replace them with Mr. Potato Head.

For the Millennials not hip to Mr. Potato Head, Mr. P is an American toy consisting of a plastic model of a potato which can be decorated with a variety of plastic parts that can attach to the main body. These parts usually include ears, eyes, shoes, a hat, a nose, and a mouth.

Depending on whom whiners hate and worship at any given moment, we could change our statues accordingly.

In addition, seeing that their whims run to the extreme, we should not limit changes to Mr. Potato Head to simply eyes, ears, shoes, hat, nose, and mouth but open the alterations up to wide variety of accoutrements.

For instance …

Since Liberals see no problem whatsoever with Obama and Hillary loving on Robert Byrd we could adorn the Robbie Byrd Mr. Potato Head statue with a Klan hat, a noose and a tall, but not too tall, hanging tree.

In the event that the AltLeft changes their minds, or gets a tweet from Maxine Waters or something, and they’re re-directed to honor Obama, they can simply remove Mr. Potato Head’s testicles and brains and put in their stead big ears, mom jeans, a woman’s bicycle and a gay Mr. Potato ‘friend’ to accompany number 44.

See how easy that was? No fuss. No muss. If you don’t happen to like a statue, you don’t have to tear it down and make life effin’ miserable for everyone. Nay, simply go up to the Mr. Potato Head statues across the land and change it to suit your petulant needs.

Boom. Problem solved.

Or, I guess, you could leave them alone and use them as historical landmarks to learn and grow thereby.

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