You Want ‘Real Socialism’? Try It In Blue States, First

Written by Rob Morse on August 23, 2018

Let’s try Real Socialism (TM) … but the blue states can go first. Show us the way, comrades. Show us how you’ll wipe those decadent capitalists from our lives. There is no place better for you to show us Real Socialism (TM) … than outside your own front door.

To begin, Seattle can eliminate those decadent coffee houses. Washington consumers will now show their food purchase certificate to update their beverage ration book. Then they can get their “free” ration of coffee from the state beverage store. The Real Socialist (TM) coffee stores in Washington even had tea for a while. Then they had to cut tea from their menu as an economy measure after fewer people than expected wanted to drink state supplied beverages. Tim Horton from Canada expanded its franchise base across the US.

The Washington Comisar of Coffee made this announcement when the demand for socialist coffee dropped below projections, “We recognize that coffee is a human right, but I am warning you, comrades. The bourgeoisie are everywhere. The common man loves our coffee so much that we are satisfying more of the people with less!”

The state craft-beer directorate in Colorado announced the three selected brews for this year. In a bold and innovative move, the beer directorate proposed introducing a fourth selection for next year. Government commissioners in Colorado are still considering the idea.

One astute reporter noticed the pre-printed press release that said, “The evil bourgeoisie are everywhere, but the common man loves our beer so much that we are satisfying more of the people with less!”

Not to be outdone, the state of California took several steps toward the New Socialist Paradise (TM). State officials boldly announced the closure of several tech giants in Silicon Valley simultaneous with the opening of the State of California Department of Invention. The state owned company, NuTechCo (TM), said they would fulfill the outstanding orders of the old tech firms. Current plans for NuTechCo (TM) include moving the remaining silicon foundries and product assembly factories from California to China.

With the Chine deal secure, the campaign contribution scandal swirling around several prominent California Socialists was promptly closed.

Hollywood replaced their recent “Me too.” theme with “Me one”. State government nationalized the few entertainment holding companies that continued to do business in California. The new California Minister of Truth (TM) explained that his department would produce entertainment and news that served the greater good and was fully representative of, and sensitive to, lgbtqiapk+ interests.

Only the Socialists in Berkeley were surprised when their Google, Facebook and Twitter pages were redirected to identical pages hosted by the new California Ministry of Truth (TM).

No one was surprised when the New York Times changed its byline from “All the news that’s fit to print” to “The voice of the National Socialist American Workers Party.”

Satire aside, there is a serious lesson to be learned. Under capitalism, your money speaks for what you want, and companies listen voluntarily. Under Socialism, you vote for what you want, and then the government forces other people to work for you. Which way is voluntary and non-violent? Fascists have their violent reputation for a reason.

Socialism never lasts very long. Those who want to live under socialism can’t produce. Those who can produce value for their labor won’t live that way.