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REPORT: Men With Beards And Long Hair Have The Smallest … Testicles?

I’ve known some bikers who would have very colorful responses to the folks who ran this study…

God alone knows what motivates researchers to undertake a study like this one, but researchers checked out a hundred different species and came to a conclusion.

(If you ever thought your job sucked worse than an airplane toilet, remember some poor shmuck had to measure animal testicles for this study.)

Researchers from the University of Western Australia and the University of Zurich have found that male primates can either be ‘well adorned or well-endowed – but not both’.

The study, published in the Proceedings of the Royal Society B by evolutionary biologists, looked at primates and found that the more ‘showy’ they were, the smaller their testicles were likely to be.

A press release from the University of Zurich said: “To maximize their chances of passing on their genes, males of many primate species invest heavily in various sexual traits, such as a large body size, or long canines that can serve as weapons in direct contests over mates. What’s more, showy sexual ornaments such as manes, beards, fleshy swellings, and colourful skin patches can help them intimidate rivals and woo females.

“And if males can’t keep other males off their females, they will try to outcompete them at the level of sperm. By swamping the sperm of others, they can increase their chances of fertilization. But producing a lot of sperm requires large testicles.”
Source: Standard

So basically, the study claims that flowing manes, biker beards and guys who could bench press a Buick have smaller testicles, because they’ve ‘wasted’ all the testosterone that could have gone to having a mondo pair of stones on trivialities like big bodies or lots of hair?

Cool story bro, But are you sure they weren’t just measuring over-manicured coffee-shop hipsters?

And now that we’ve done this study, what, exactly, are you going to do with the information we’ve gained from it?

How long is it going to be until one of us at ClashDaily has to run a piece about some loud-mouthed, smooth-chinned pencil neck having too many Tallboys, walking up to the biggest, meanest, hairiest guy in the bar and telling him exactly what this study says about him?

Of course, we’d also be reporting about just how long medical professionals expect it would take until that smooth-chinned guy could eat solid food again.

 Pussification: The Effeminization Of The American Male

by Doug Giles

Doug Giles, best-selling author of Raising Righteous And Rowdy Girls and Editor-In-Chief of the mega-blog,, has just penned a book he guarantees will kick hipster males into the rarefied air of masculinity. That is, if the man-child will put down his frappuccino; shut the hell up and listen and obey everything he instructs them to do in his timely and tornadic tome. Buy Now: Pussification: The Effeminization Of The American Male

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Wes Walker

Wes Walker is the author of "Blueprint For a Government that Doesn't Suck". He has been lighting up since its inception in July of 2012. Follow on twitter: @Republicanuck