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2012 ElectionOpinionPhilosophyPoliticsRacesatire

Romney COULD Have Been a Winner With “Ultimate” Diverse Candidate

I’m sorry, America. I’m sorry, financial future of the United States; sorry, generations of future Americans. Sorry, Republican Party. And my (begrudging) sympathies to Mitt Romney. I’m so sorry, sir.

See, Mr. Romney, you could have been a real contender. You could have won this presidential election with considerable ease, laying to waste four years of crippling, collectivist policies of Barack Obama. You could have won it all, Mitt Romney, had you not chosen Wisconsin’s Paul Ryan as your vice presidential running mate.

Really, Mitt, what were you thinking choosing Paul Ryan, when you could have gone for “diversity.” That’s right, you could have gone for New Orleans’ Carla Martinez. CARLA MARTINEZ would have ensured your victory. My site, Duh Progressive, did an exposé on Carla Martinez in June and concluded no one else was more suited for your VP slot (please click on her name or links to learn more about this amazing woman).

(click for Duh Progressive’s “Mitt Romney Chooses ”Perfect” Running Mate ”)

Sure, Carla Martinez may not have worked in Congress since 1992, or has been a member of it for the last 13 years, or has been the Chair of the House Budget Committee since 2009 (???), or has immersed herself in national budgetary matters for the last decade. Carla Martinez may not have intricate knowledge of how federal funds are allocated, spent (and wasted) by the government, nor has bold ideas on how to keep the country from falling off the fiscal abyss. But Carla Martinez had attributes Paul Ryan doesn’t, Mr. Romney, nor ever will —attributes essential for winning any national election in today’s America.

For starters, Carla is a woman (there’s your female vote), as well as a lesbian (i.e. your LGBTWXYZ2.0 vote). Carla is 40 years old (appealing to younger voters), is also a midget, standing only 4-foot-1, has a fake glass eye, is a recovered gambling addict, has a gay lover with Alzheimer’s Disease (i.e. senior vote!), is Black with Hispanic roots, whose parents were immigrant from Barbados, speaks Spanish fluently (Hispanic vote), can trace her ancestry back to slaves brought from Angola, is a practicing Wiccan, and suffers from a raging, incurable case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (again, senior vote).

On top of these glorious, impeccable qualities the media hold so dear today, Mr. Romney, Carla Cynthia Martinez has been the New Orleans Register of Wills for the last four years. It is the only public office she has ever held. Hardly a soul in America outside New Orleans’ District Court has heard of Ms. Martinez – even more of an attribute (al la, Sarah Palin in 2008).

In truth, what practical, real life qualifications does Carla Martinez have to be Vice President, let alone Commander-in-Chief? Answer: Jack-Freakin’-Squat. But since when has that mattered in 21st Century America, Mr. Romney?

(click for Duh Progressive’s “Mitt Romney Chooses ”Perfect” Running Mate ”)

Carla Martinez may not know how budgets are prepared, or how a bill becomes a law, or the three branches of government, or what a filibuster is, blasé, blasé … But damn it, Mitt, Carla is an ethnic minority female with more identities, problems, and disabilities than imaginable. She fits every group the GOP has lacked since World War II and can hold her own in a debate … be it on which New Orleans District Court judge is secretly gay or which team will win the World Series. Carla Martinez is a heavyweight, Mr. Romney, an honest contender Americans everywhere, of all stripes, could have related to … And you gave her up for dumb old Paul Ryan. Shame!

You could have been a shoo-in now for the presidency with Carla Martinez, Mr. Romney. But nooooo … you had to stick with just some regular old boring, white, heterosexual male of normal height, Christian faith, with both eyes (blue eyes, too!), and who just by happenstance is an experienced politician who eats, sleeps and breathes domestic fiscal policy. Why, if one were to catch Paul Ryan in a dark alley with a crack pipe in his mouth, they’d find that pipe stuffed with U.S. budgetary minutia.

You could have chosen a running mate that physically represents “all” America, Mr. Romney. But instead you chickened-out and chose one with only dreams and plans for helping make the nation more stable and prosperous for all Americans. Really, Mr. Romney, have you ever considered what Americans really care about in their leaders this day and age?

You could have chosen appearance over experience, Mitt. If you don’t believe me just ask the millions of white liberals who would have stayed home on November 4th, 2008 if the Democrat candidate had not had a non-Western name and was (half) black, finally giving them that euphoric chance to release all that pent-up guilty white angst they had been spoon fed in our nation’s colleges for years (trust me, I was one).

You could have chosen diversity over practicality, socio-demographics over substance. But you just had to go with boring ol’ Paul Ryan. You could have chosen Carla Martinez, Mitt, but you settled for banal old expertise, and thus Election Day suicide. I hope you’re happy, Mitt Romney. God help you!

Nick Taxia,
Writer, Producer,

(click for Duh Progressive’s “Mitt Romney Chooses ”Perfect” Running Mate -Part 2”)

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

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