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Study: Most Terrorists Would Rather Be Actually Waterboarded Than Listen to Arguments Against Waterboarding

Note: The following is a satire.

(From WIRES)

(LANGLEY, VA) — A leaked study by the Central Intelligence Agency for the Department of Homeland Security is again causing a stir in the human rights community and damaging a United Nation’s claim that a Romney administration would amount to “a democratic mandate for torture.”

   U.N. Special Rapporteur on counter-terrorism, Ben Emmerson, said on October 19th that if Republican Mitt Romney won the U.S. election Nov. 6th, it would roll back crucial “strides” the U.S. and other Western nations have taken in curtailing the use of torture techniques, particularly the practice of “waterboarding” to interrogate terror suspects.   However the leaked report by the CIA found, startlingly, that most terror suspects (98%) would prefer being actually waterboarded rather than listen to people argue against it.

     According to the report, a suspected terrorist captured in Afghanistan in 2008 and sent to Guanontamo Bay, Cuba, was watching television one day when actor Sean Penn appeared on an episode of ABC’s The View, discussing why waterboarding suspected terrorists was so “inhumane” and a “violation of everything America stands for,” etc.   The detainee, whose name the report omits, began shaking, vomiting and crying hysterically, as he was cuffed to his cell and could not reach the television to change its channel or destroy it.   When guards noticed the suspect’s violent reaction to Penn’s anti-waterboarding rant, they had other Gitmo detainees view the same clip, as well as clips of MSNBC’s Rachell Maddow, (former) host Keith Olbermann, Rep. Nancy Pelosi, and various Hollywood celebrities speaking against waterboarding.

     “(The detainees) were begging to be waterboarded instead of listening to liberals express their outrage over it,” Guantanamo’s spokeswoman, Navy Cmdr. Tamsen Reese, is quoted as saying in the report. “Some even tried to take their own lives rather than endure the hell it is to listen to anti-waterboarding arguments hours-on-end … Inmate ‘DNM368’ (368th Detainee Named Muhammed) even tried to drown himself in a toilet when told he going to have to listen to looped blurbs of George Clooney, Attorney General Eric Holder, and Joy Behar condemning the practice.”

   It is doubtful and ironic, therefore, that U.N. representative Ben Emmerson’s (a Brit, so surprisingly) own condemnation on waterboarding will not itself be used to squeeze information from suspected terrorists detained by police and U.S. military abroad.  The Obama administration said it stopped using the “enhanced interrogation technique” in 2009.  And according to the leaked CIA report, its decision to do so was out of practicality after all, and not out the “moral objection” the White House claimed it was.
Irony: Controversial Waterboarding Finally Washed Away?

    Although “leaked” to the Associated Press on Wednesday, the administration is not denying the CIA report, or that it has been using tapes of movie stars, MSNBC hosts, college activists and Amnesty International spokespersons arguing against waterboarding as a means to “interrogate” terror suspects.   Furthermore, Department of Homeland Security says prying information from terrorists by ironically forcing them to listen to anti-waterboarding arguments from famous liberals has proved “100-times” more effective than actually using the drowning-simulation technique, according to DHS spokesman Matthew Chandler.  

     Said Chandler in a press release Friday afternoon, “We were being respectful to the opponents of waterboarding in not disclosing how effective having terrorists listen to their lofty, self-righteous and nauseatingly naïve arguments have been.  The ground-breaking discovery of interrogating enemy combatants with tapes of famous liberals’ anti- waterboarding tirades was discovered in the last weeks of the Bush administration.   The current administration has been using it ever since, with stunning results.”

     The Bush administration had to waterboard 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed 183 times before he divulged all information he knew about the infamous terrorist attacks, as well as pending attacks and details on al-Qaeda.  The Obama administration on the other hand, according to Chandler, has only had to show at most three hours of clips of pretentious celebrities and pseudo-academics rambling on about the evils of the painless, non-life-threatening practice before terrorists have “broken;” revealing all they know of their activities and those of their compatriots.

     “(The DHS) has been extraordinarily pleased with this interrogation method,” continued Chandler.   “Not even the strongest-willed man can stand hours of Keith Olbermann or Ward Churchill’s endless ramblings on waterboarding.   We’ve gained endless details on terrorists and their planned attacks for years, all of which we, of course, appropriately and diligently ignored.”

     However fruitful simply forcing detainees at Gitmo and CIA “black sites” to view clips of Amnesty International’s anti-waterboarding rallies has been, efforts to stop even this practice is currently underway in the U.N.

     Said a concerned Ben Emmerson to Duh Progressive last Saturday, “Now that we know making someone listen to me and fellow haughty, sanctimonious morons going on about the horrors of waterboarding is crueler than the actual act, we are moving to outlaw the forced exposure of anti-waterboarding arguments to suspected (terrorists).”  

    “We just cannot allow this vile, inhumane practice to continue,” Emmerson added.  “Reports of terrorist detainees going insane and attempting suicide because of listening to anti-waterboarding arguments are too disturbing … And who knows, if one of them is ever released, this practice could have left them so deranged that they may go out and hurt somebody.”

Note: The preceding is a satire.

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.

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