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USA Found Dead — Apparent Suicide

(The following is satire.)

(From WIRES)

Wednesday, November 7th, 2012,

(JONESBAMATOWN, GUYANA) —The world was horrified last Wednesday to learn of the discovery of the entire United States of America, roughly 314 million people, dead in a remote commune in the jungles of South America’s obscure nation of Guyana.  The apparent cause of death: suicide!

    Shortly after the U.S. presidential election results were announced after 11:00 PM, Tuesday night, EST, local Guyanese residents began noticing foul odors and screaming coming from a giant communal compound, nicknamed “Jonesbamatown,” which had housed the President of the United States (Reverend Barack H. Jonesbama), his loyal followers and his “not so loyal” countrymen as well.   Eventually the commotion and smell drew the attention of Guyanese authorities, who stumbled upon the massively grim scene Wednesday morning.

     Indeed, the world’s third largest, richest, and most powerful nation had committed mass suicide on a scale unprecedented in human history (at least not since the Soviet Union, Western Europe, China, and the rest of the world had done the same … in human history).

     “The scene is unbelievable.  Just dreadful!” said a distressed Hon. Clement J. Rohee, Guyana’s Minister of Home Affairs, who had just returned from viewing the horrific landscape at Jonesbamatown/former United States, Wednesday morning.   “I don’t get it,” continued an emotional Rohee, shaking his head.  “…Why does every demented ideologue want to come here —Guyana— to act-out his suicidal, collectivist experiments on people? … I just don’t get it!”

    Rohee said that Guynese medical teams had already been air-dropped on the scene in the isolated, makeshift commune-nation of Jonesbamatown, located 200 miles southwest of Guyana’s capital of Georgetown.   As of Wednesday afternoon, United Nations physicians and other international teams were traveling through Guyana’s dense jungles, hoping to reach the immense camp in time to treat any survivors of America’s apparent mass suicide.

     “There’s always hope, but from the reports we’re getting, they’re all dead, the entire nation,” said Dr. Valerie Amos, the United Nations’ Under-Secretary-General and Emergency Relief Coordinator, Wednesday afternoon.  “… All of America, over three-hundred-million people dead, mostly from voting to commit suicide.  Unbelievable!” 

    Amos said that although most of the former United States took its life willingly, duped into drinking a tainted mix of Hope, Change and Forward, it appeared others had to been forced to drink the grape-flavored substance, which was actually laced with lethal amounts of cyanide.   As for the President and Reverend Barack Jonesbama (aka the “Great One” or “Chocolate Jesus”, the charismatic cult leader who had so skillfully led the nation to believe a magical, egalitarian Utopia was possible because he studied it in college), he was found dead, too; victim to cyanide, as well, which he had apparently laced his crystal champagne glass of Revenge with.  

Reportedly found next to President Rev. Jonesbama were his wife, Eva Michelle Obraun, his favorite set of titanium golf clubs, and the skeletal remains of what is believed to be his dog, Bo, seemingly having taken its life years before rather than enduring his master’s rantings.

   World leaders are reacting to the news of the entire United State’s suicide with mixed emotions, whether they had been friends of the former superpower or not.

    “These people were promised ‘paradise on Earth’,” said a sobbing British Prime Minister David Cameron outside his #10 Downing Street residence, Wednesday, “and when they realized it was all smoke-in-mirrors, they chose to seek that last ‘paradise’ across the River Styx with their dear leader, Reverend Jonesbama.  I weep for my former friends and allies.”

    Already local residents are being evacuated from the scene of America’s suicide in Jonesbamatown, as its 314 million decaying corpses will undoubtedly taint the air, soil and water supplies for generations.   Said Guyana’s Chief Medical Officer of Public Health, Dr. Rudolph Cummings, Wednesday, “It’s going to take months to clean up all these bodies, not because there are so many, but because they’re American, which means they average about 300 pounds per body.”

     Also found at the reeking, unprecedented scene of national self-demise were audio recordings of the Rev. Barack Jonesbama, beckoning his people to commit “one final, revolutionary act … just one more time.”

    The audio tapes are ”morbid, yet strangely uplifting,” said one U.N. disaster relief worker, who wished to remain anonymous.  ”I listened to this man, who so many loved, calling upon his followers to commit these secretly horrible acts by voting for his policies one last time … killing themselves and their families, sacrificing their futures…! It’s almost as bad as strapping every American under age 18 with 216,676 dollars of debt!

    “Oh, I’m just so tired … so tired of being tired.  Come, my children, follow me on this last act, take this one last sip from my delicious Change-flavored Kool-Aid…” Rev. Jonesbama can be heard saying ominously to his remaining gathered followers Tuesday evening, as the rest of them were hurriedly rounding up Republicans, libertarians, and conservative Democrats who did not wish to share the fate of their messianic father-leader and his puerile ideologues.

    In the end, though, there were enough Jonesbama voters Tuesday night to force non-Jonesbama voters to enter the “eternal utopia”  the hypnotic revered promised for years.   Thus, no one in America had a choice but be a part of their collective suicide … via collectivism.

   President Rev. Jonesbama sounded particularly self-absorbed and strident, according to first-responders on the gruesome scene who listened to audio tapes of the last hours of the great nation-turned-gigantic, suicidal commune.

     There are also signs of struggle at the horrendous Jonesbamatown site, including gunfights and numerous syringes laying about, indicating many Americans who did not believe in their leader’s promise of an “eternal golden future” being forcibly injected with cyanide-laced Hope and Change.

     “Why, if we cannot create and enjoy this all-equal World of Peace without opposition, then we all may as well forever live in it in death!”  Rev. Jonesbama can be heard eerily spouting on his microphone, his words broadcasted across his dying nation and subjects.   In the background there can be heard moaning, women screaming and children crying, as they cast their ballots for Jonesbama and his policies yet again.   Occasionally dying voices with Southern, Mid and Southwestern accents can be heard screaming in the background, “You @!##!@*!*, Jonesbama, we knew this would happen!”

     “…Oh, such reluctant Neanderthals,” Rev. Barack Jonesbama whines in response, wearing creepy sunglasses and a befitting demeanor.   “…Oh, do away with those naysayers first, my faithful children!  They want to roll us back to the policies of the past.  Do ‘away’ with them first. …Then after them, do your own children!  Oh, let us get some medicine, please…!”

     At the far upper-right premises of Jonesbamatown/United States, “non believers” were found laying about; some shot, stabbed, “Hope”-laced syringes stuck in their bodies; bloated, clutching vomit-splattered Gadsden flags.   Former Fox News TV host Glenn Beck was discovered by medical personnel wrapped in the rigor mortised arms of talk radio’s Sean Hannity and Mark Levin, a scribbled note laying among the trio simply stating: “Told You, America!”

    The United Nations, which had been growing largely at odds with the U.S. in recent years, still expressed shock and horror at the news of what happened in Jonesbamatown.   “…This is the exact sort of naiveté that can lead to danger, such as mass suicide,” U.N. General Secretary Ban ki Moon said, Wednesday.       

   Further east, a sniffling Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, his own country now condemned to annihilation of a different sort, given just a matter of time, commented woefully, “I can’t believe Americans actually agreed to do this to themselves!  I mean, I knew they had become dumber over the years, but I didn’t know they had become this dumb!” sobbed Netanyahu.  

   Andre Reizensky, a 69-year-old Israeli citizen who had grown up in former East Germany, could not believe the U.S., a country he loved and respected had chosen this fate for itself Tuesday evening.   Nor could Reizensky cope with the fact that his own daughter, Iris, her husband and his two grandchildren are undoubtedly among the millions dead, since Iris and her family had lived in Philadelphia and were staunch Democrats/Jonesbama supporters. 

Cried Reizensky to reporters in Tel Aviv, Wednesday, “No one learns from history anymore!   Everyone thinks the world began when they were born, and all the failed experiments of the past can be tried again with different results. … I thought my family was smarter.   I thought America was smarter!  Apparently not!  Oh God!”
“Why?!” wailed Reizensky, having to be retrained by friends and neighbors.  “Why did America drink Jonesbama’s Hope and Change Kool-Aid again?  Why did they do this to themselves?!  NO..!”

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(The preceding is satire.)

Nick Taxia

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.