Written by Nick Taxia on July 29, 2014

Dear American Swine,

Well, well…  Seems we have a lot to talk about these days, don’t we?  Luckily I was able to get permission from my current boss, Satan, to write this to you (partially because Satan is giggling hysterically at what I have to say). 

Look, we all know I wasn’t the most “pleasant for fellows”.  I had certain ways about me many people found abrasive.  I flew off the handle sometimes, got a little power-hungry, a little too wrapped up in myself, and I hurt some folks now and again.  Also, I…  You know what: who the @#!% am I kidding?  —I was a mass-murdering maniac of the worst sorts!  From gassing the Kurds, butchering the Shi’ites, creating a vast police and spy network that riddled Iraq with prisons, torture dungeons and mass graves for anyone who opposed me, even my fellow Sunni  Muslims, I left a deep scar on the face of humanity few have been able to leave.  I invaded countries, made people watch their family members be tortured and killed, plundered, raped, starved, shot people, and ignited an 8-year war with Iran that cost a million lives. 

I’ve even taught the Devil some things on how to torture souls for eternity since I’ve been down here, because I was the Devil up there; the closest thing to pristine evil since Stalin or Hitler.  But given how things went in Iraq after you got rid of me, particularly now, come on…you gotta admit, as painful as it may be…you kind of miss me a little now, dontcha’?  C’mon…just a teensy-weensy bit?

As I gaze up now at the flaming world from my flaming crib in the center of it, I gotta ask you Americans: do you think I would have put up with these “ISIS” bastards for five minutes?  You think I would have allowed anyone to try to rise up and proclaim themselves “greater” than me?  Sunnis or not, trust me, this would NOT have happened.

There was only one “Allah” in Iraq when I ruled it –ME!  Yeah, there were different sects of Islam and remote, tribal religions, and even Christians, too (which ISIS is now beheading and forcing into exile) in my Iraq, but ultimately everyone knew who to worship and/or fear at the end of the day –- me, the Saddamster! 

When the Shia stepped out of line, I taught them a “lesson”, same as the Kurds and even some radical Sunnis who were upset that I wasn’t turning Iraq into a fundamentalist theocratic state.  It really didn’t matter what you believed at the end of the day as long as you didn’t even look at a mural of me cockeyed, mutter one word of discontent, or farted in the wrong direction.  Because if you did, you were dead…or made wish you were. 

So as monstrous as I was, I Kept Order.  People didn’t have the guts to attempt the insanity that’s going on in Iraq today.  And yet you just had to topple me, believing that all these warring peoples I had kept in line would magically hold hands, sing Kumbaya and live peacefully side-by-side after I was gone?  …Hold on, pardon me as I wipe my eyes from laughing so hard..!

…Okay…whooo!  I’m back…  And your reasons for toppling me; having weapons of mass destruction?   Yep, I did.  And you would have too if you had the neighbors I did and enemies I had.  But using those “WMDs” against you?   Hey, I was a madman, but not a suicidal madman!  And as for aiding and helping in 9/11/01? Are you out of your freakin’ minds?!  You think I wanted war in the name of “Islam”?  You think I wanted to help a bunch of bearded, knuckle-dragging, 7th-Century Neanderthals?! I was an Atheist (!); only a “devout Muslim” when it served my interests. 

saddam ISISAhh, America, Britain, the rest of you, I swear, you never seem to get it: a dictator’s ultimate job is to hold on to power, not blow it on risky invasion schemes like Hitler and Napoleon. I tried that once, and after the first Gulf War I realized that a territorial expansion of Iraq was impossible.  So I settled for just being a really big, painful hemorrhoid to you instead.  …And I loved it!  I still had my little fiefdom, subjects to torture and terrify, while still giving you all some migraines occasionally. 

I’ve been deposed for almost 12 years, dead for 7…and look at Iraq now!  George W. Bush kicked out the “big bad wolf of the Middle East” to not only kick over a hornets’ nest, but set it on fire.  Then your current ruler, Barack O-blunder, thought he could put that fire out by throwing the “gasoline of abandonment” on it.  Now those flames are burning hotter than ever.  Gee, proud of yourself, U.S.A? …How-ya-like-me-now?!

Really, America, all those “WMDs” you were so worried about you’d now be sending me gift-wrapped to launch against these nihilistic baboons bent on establishing an Islamic caliphate if I were still in power. You know how hard it is to wave your saber and scream “Allahu Akbar!” while coughing out your lungs from poison gas (just ask the Kurds, they’ll tell ya!)?

Also, and sadly, nearly 4,500 of your young men and women would be alive today, and thousands more would have all their limbs and sanity if I were still in power.  But you just couldn’t resist going after everyone’s favorite villain, could you?  

When will people learn the enemy you know is better than the enemy you don’t know? 

miss meYeah, I was one of the worst men in history.  I tried my luck with regional domination, but learned that I just should stay put and antagonize you guys in other ways.  But believe me: you don’t know what “antagonism” is… Hell, you don’t even know what a real “9/11” is yet if you allow even one of these “Islamic State of Iraq and Syria” bastards live, let alone establish their caliphate.  And again, all of this could have been avoided if you would have just left me to remain a simple thorn in your arse; in power, alone. 

Funny, I surf the internet down here I keep running across these photos of George W. Bush waving with the words “Miss Me Yet?”  …What?  WHY?   Sorry America, but at this point, I think that’s a question I should be asking you.

—With Sincerest Sardonic Mockery,

Saddam Hussein,

Former Ruler of Iraq,

Current Resident of Hell


Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site, DuhProgressive.com, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.