MSNBC SAYS Black Cops Charged In Freddie Gray’s Are ‘White-African-Americans’

Written by Nick Taxia on May 19, 2015

The following is satire.

by Ledge Slater, DP Editor-Enlarged
Friday, May 8, 2015

(NEW YORK)— Move over George Zimmerman, you notorious “white Hispanic”, you!   There’s a new sheriff in town, or rather anthropologist, and she knows who’s “white” or a “whiter”−non−White better than even CNN!  

The sheriff in question  (and we apologize if using the term “sheriff” is perceived as racist by anyone) is MSNBC’s  “news” anchor Melissa Harris-Perry, who said Friday that, as with George Zimmerman, the three black police officers charged in the death of Baltimore’s Freddie Gray are not African-American, but are in fact “white’ African-Americans”. 

The regular weekend host on MSNBC was guest-hosting for anchor Alex Wagner on the network’s  Now show Friday afternoon when Harris-Perry, defending the charges filed against the six Balitmore police officers to her guest, columnist and pundit Juan Williams, said, “It’s obvious that…as with George Zimmerman not being completely ‘Hispanic’, but rather a ‘white Hispanic’, that these three Africa-American police officers charged in the death of Freddie Gray are ‘white African-Americans’.   If they weren’t part ‘white’ I seriously doubt the fatal injuries that were done to Mr. Gray would have occurred.” 

Williams, a lifelong proponent of civil rights and diehard Democrat, sat in silence in MSNBC’s Washington studio, visibly confounded, and after a moment of pause simply replied, “Wh…wha…say what, Melissa?”

“I said,” followed Harris-Perry, “that these three so-called ‘black’ Baltimore cops that have been charged in killing Freddie Gray must have a substantial amount of white blood in them, their ancestry and within their upbringings …It’s just not possible for black police officers to commit such an act on another African-American without their having a large amount of European ancestors…that is, being ‘white African-Americans’.   Clearly this is the case, Juan, as it was with George Zimmerman.   Won’t you agree?”

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Williams quickly responded, “Melissa, this is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever…what you’re saying is the most preposterous thing I’ve ever heard!   No race has a monopoly on abusing their authority!   These cops didn’t —as I believe— rough-handle Freddie Gray to the point of severing his spine because they were ‘white African-Americans’!   They injured (Gray) however they did because they were probably poorly trained, probably over-worked, over-stressed, and lost control of how to professionally conduct themselves as police officers, and abused their power!  The three black cops’ race has nothing to do with….”.

“Juan, come on, you can’t be serious!” interrupted Harris-Perry.  “…Juan, seriously, are you an African-American or a ‘white African-American’ ?  Because to be frank, sir, right now you’re sounding more like a ‘white African-Amer…”.

“Look, Melissa… Melissa!  This has nothing to do with ‘white African-Americans’, ‘black African-Americans’,  ‘Asian African-Americans’,  ‘Hispanic African-Americans’,  freaking, damn ‘Eskimo African-Americans’…!  This has to do with police brutality!  …And there’s no race that is immune to abusing their power while wearing a badge!  Your claim of ‘white African-Americans’ is preposterous and outright offensive and racist.  …And in case you haven’t noticed, you’re no ‘Shaka Zulu’ yourself, young missy!”

Harris-Perry sighed, pausing and replying remorsefully, “Okay, Juan…  So it appears that not only are you a ‘white African-American’, but a sexist one at that.  What a shame for you, Juan.”

Williams: “WHAT?!”

Harris-Perry:  “This interview is over.  And I’m sorry you feel so strongly against the humble Eskimo people, too.  Goodbye, Juan.”

Williams:  “Wait..!  Melissa, you’re completely overlooking what I’m trying to…!”

I said OVER, Juan!  …Goodbye, sir!” concluded Harris-Perry, and so the interview. 

Despite the no-shining-star-of-conservatism Juan William’s strident rejection of the three black police officers charged in the death of Freddie Gray being labeled “white African-Americans”, MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry kept pressing her point after cutting off Williams, displaying mug shots of the three black officers charged in the alleged homicide of Gray. 

lightSaid Harris-Perry, “There’s no question about these alleged black cops’ ‘white African-Americaness’.   For example, look at Officer Caesar Goodson, shown here… Obviously he’s not a ‘full-blooded’ African-American, as his complexion clearly shows.  Plus he has two moles on the left side of his neck — clearly a sign of white ancestry.  

peanutThen you have Officer William Porter (image shown).  …Look at the shape of his head.   His head is shaped like a peanut!  Clearly he is part of this country’s majority —whites— because if he were of majority African heritage, his head would be nice and round like a bowling ball.  But it’s not!   He’s got a typical European ‘peanut head’, and that peanut head allowed him to take part in the murder of Freddie Gray.  Porter has Freddie Gray’s blood on that peanut head of his!  His European ancestry, on display by his peanut-head, made him be part of this crime!”

ewwContinued Harris-Perry, “Finally, let’s see Officer Alicia White (image shown).  …Now, yes, she is dark, and her African-American ancestry runs deep.  And she is female, which means she should be naturally immune to abuses of power, as we know all women are.   But look at her nose….  Officer White’s nose is rather ‘sharp’ for a ‘true’ African-American.  This denotes European ancestry, as well as her lips, which are thinner than most other ‘true’ African-Americans.   Plus she has a pronounced jaw, depicting anger, a grudge, a rage…a rage only a ‘white African-American’ could enact on an innocent, helpless young man like Freddie Gray.   Clearly this is a case of her white heritage taking over her African heritage and helping to kill Mr. Gray.    Yes…this is a case of…these are all the cases of exactly what happens when you let ‘white African-Americans’ loose on their fellow ‘true’ African-Americans.  

“This is what happens when we let non–full-blooded ‘African-Americans’ loose on the true African-American communities they are charged to protect,” added Harris-Perry.  “But instead, their ancestral ‘whiteness’ comes out and degrades and abuses those real African-American communities they are assigned to protect and serve.  It is a disgrace, indeed.”  
UPDATE:   Melissa Harris-Perry, upon being re-informed that she is half-white, formally submitted her resignation as a news anchor and host on MSNBC Friday afternoon in teary-eyed disgrace.  Harris-Perry has released no public statement on her resignation from MSNBC as of yet. 

P.S.  On A Serious Note:  Last week was the 70th anniversary of the United States and the Allies defeating Nazi Germany.   Although the above article was clearly satirical, it is sad to see that in America today, we are seemingly more obsessed with race, racism, and evermore infuse all cultural, social and political matters with “race” and the specter of racism.   It seems “Duh Progressive’s” grandfather’s curious reflections and stunning, ultimate question regarding his days fighting in Europe of  “What was it all for?”  is indeed being put to the test in America 2015.   What was it all for?   …We militarily defeated the most undoubtedly racist, despotic, nihilistic regime in history to only to end up fighting and self-segregating amongst ourselves.  More and more, how “civilly” we tackle the issues of race relations and (racial) justice throughout this once great country, the fact of the matter is that “Duh Progressive” believes we are headed to a state (and “state”) no longer capable or worthy of defeating the demonic Third Reich we vanquished seven decades ago.   So, in a way, really, “What was it all for?”   


—Duh Progressive

The preceding is satire.

Images: courtesy of

Nick Taxia is a former campaign manager and consultant in Washington, D.C. He is the primary writer and producer of the conservative-leaning satirical web site,, as well as a rising radio personality, commentator, and comedian.